The real reason the sharks went

What is the real reason for the departure of the celebrity sharks from the marine park? Following a tip off from a source in the Hoi Ha bay area, we paid a call to an investment manager in a dingy little office in Kowloon Bay. Speaking on terms of anonymity, the manager told us that one of his clients did indeed sign off on the name C. Shark and that this client had bought heavily into the Algal Boom hedge fund and had a large number of shares of the Prime Sub mortgage company. It seems that in recent weeks the Prime Sub company has been letting in water where it should have been liquidity, and that the total value of the two investments could not be accurately counted because the financial papers were wet. “To be honest, we’ve moved office a few times,” said the manager, “well, how would you like to be hunted by a couple of unhappy sharks?” On further prodding, the manager told us that the sharks had been aiming to cash in their portfolio for “a few million” so that they could buy a debenture for themselves at an international school. A spokesman at the school told us that it was school policy not to comment on individual cases.

sharks spotted

Sai Kung resident and part time paparazzi, Mr John Martin just sent us these pictures of the missing celebrity sharks at a quiet private pool. No wonder they couldn’t be seen in Hoi Ha Wan over the last few days! John noticed that the kids seemed unafraid so he approached the sharks for a little poolside chat about the price of fish, only to find himself escorted smartly away from the scene by a couple of large gentlemen wearing suits and sunglasses. Fortunately he had the camera hidden away by then.

Search goes on for missing sharks

In a mysterious development, the celebrity sharks have gone missing from Hoi Ha Wan Marine Park – apparently they haven’t been seen for days. Shark expert and Sai Kung’s very own action man, Charlie Frew has been helping to look for them, but to no avail. Some folks have started to gossip about kidnap, but without a ransom note that seems unlikely. We wonder if Charlie is looking in the wrong place for these sharks: perhaps he should be checking out the local rehab clinics and combing through police traffic records for dangerous marine creatures caught speeding whilst under the influence of alcohol.

Hoi Ha Wan Sharks: are they still scary?

Rumours were swirling around Hoi Ha Wan Marine Park yesterday as the sharks were put on the defensive over their scariness, or lack of it. It seems that some of the denizens of the park aren’t so scared of the sharks anymore. “It’s like, I’m not so scared as I was”, said one marine creature, “I mean like, these sharks, they’re more like Hello Kitty than sharks. And we all know Hello Kitty doesn’t have any teeth.” Some of the tougher sea urchins have taken to taunting the sharks as they swim by, and without even so much as a hint of bravado from the sharks, more urchins are joining in. Tuesday’s letter to the South China Morning Post calling for the Leisure and Cultural service Department to re-instate water sport courses during the school holidays hasn’t helped either as the underwater inhabitants of the marine park realize that the Hong Kong public is getting braver too. “The sharks need to improve their scary image” said one of the park’s image consultants, desperate to get a quote in just before handing out his business card to a couple of worried-looking sharks.

Nemo voted out in poll shocker

It was a tense evening, but once the votes were recounted it became clear that another celebrity marine creature was voted out of the Hoi Ha Wan Marine Park – Nemo the clownfish. (Perhaps his star has waned, or maybe it’s just that folks were fed up of queuing at Disneyland in the heat and wanted to make their point.) The sharks were reportedly disappointed as they’d really got into the idea of a Club Med trip but they were very happy overall that they remained loved by the Hong Kong people.

So now we’re casting about for other ideas to entice them out of Hoi Ha Wan for a little while. Obviously, being celebrity sharks they wouldn’t fall for the old trick of chumming, throwing dead fish, lots of blood etc in the water somewhere nearby; however we are thinking they may be enticed out if we drop a few Anya Hindmarch ‘I’m Not a Plastic Bag’ fashion accessories somewhere near the marine park boundary. Reportedly the sharks had been quietly asked a few weeks ago not to go to Central to pick up their Anya Hindmarch bags they’d pre-ordered because of the risk of frightening other folks in the queue, and they still haven’t received them by post.

a fair deal for the sharks

I had an irate phone call the other day from the HKSPCtC (Hong Kong Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Celebrities). They thought that voting the sharks out of the marine park could be viewed as cruelty to their clients. I asked them who had authorized them to represent the sharks (sharks aren’t known for picking up the phone and anyway the reception is lousy in Hoi Ha Wan). The agent assured me that the HKSPCtC had taken up the case after receiving a call from a certain Mr Spielberger. Anyway, we reached a compromise: we could vote the sharks out of the marine park provided they received tons more media attention, a free holiday (Club Med somewhere) and that they would be allowed to sneak back into Hoi Ha Wan two weeks later to show off their suntans.

Vote the sharks out of the marine park

I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but if the sharks in Hoi Ha Wan are only minor celebrity sharks, then it should be easy enough to encourage them into appearing on a reality TV show. Then we can simply vote them out of the marine park! We'll also need volunteers to go and tell the sharks that they've been voted out...